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Abortion Grief - A unique type of Grief
©
Victims of Abortion, 2008.
Grief is the human response to the traumatic loss of someone or
something very important to the life and wellbeing of the
individual. It is the psyche’s attempt at dealing with a separation
from someone or something important to its own equilibrium.
Abortion grief and trauma is unique because in reality it is
expected that there will not be any grief associated with abortion.
It is considered that termination of an unwanted pregnancy is the
norm (and the most common procedure carried out in these days) so
because perception is that it is common and “everyone is doing it”
the outcome is expected to be positive. This is not so. Indeed by
harbouring this type of perception the grief experienced following
an abortion becomes un-validated grief and in due course
“disenfranchised” type of grief. (Doka, 1989)[1]
Whilst the abortion issue remains a contentious issue with
proponents of abortion demanding the freedom to choose, and
opponents of abortion also demanding an end to the killing and
damage of abortion, the voices of anguished individuals who have
been aborted and regret the decision remain generally unheard. The
voices of men and women crying out in pain continue to remain
unheard because of the din surrounding this issue. These voices need
to be heard if there is to be an understanding of the abortion
issue. Only through the mouths and through the tears of those who
have walked the path of abortion and have not come out the other
side unscathed can truth be told.
From these mouths is spoken the reality that for them the abortion
decision has meant anguish. These individuals were not counselled
that grief was possible. They were not counselled that increased
risk of breast cancer is a certainty. They were not counselled that
a lifelong sorrow is assured. They were not counselled that all
manner of psychological suffering and arrested behaviour would be
assured. They were not counselled that life would never return to
the pre pregnancy state. Just that abortion would resolve the
immediate difficulties.
This in itself caused the initial violation because the procedure
begins with a lie. No one can return to a pre pregnancy stage. A
child will be born. It will be born early, (very early). It will
certainly be born dead (abortion kills children) but it will be
born. It has been born to the mother carrying the child and the
father who has animated that child. It will be born, but the nature
of the birth and the effect on its mother and at times father will
be destructive. When a child is aborted the baby has been conceived
and born but born dead through the agency (usually) of its parents
or those nearest to it. Born in sorrow. The hormones coursing
through the body of the mother from the instant of conception
ensures that dialogue begins almost immediately. Indeed dialogue
begins long before its presence is even known or felt. Irrespective
of the duration of pregnancy the relationship between mother and her
child in the womb is begun. Termination does not negate the
relationship or the pregnancy it simply ends it but the relationship
has existed and will continue to exist for the lifetime of the
mother. The duration and strength is unimportant. However, what is
important is the reality that it has been started and has flourished
even for a short time. This is what causes the anguish. The deeply
held, innate, knowledge that really what existed was a child “my
child” and that the abortion was permanent. It can never be
reversed. It was a death sentence passed on another human being, my
“son” or my “daughter” or my “baby”. This acknowledgement brings
with it a deep sense of shame, guilt and terror. It puts the aborted
onto a new path marked with a sign “self destruct.” Intervention
then really becomes necessary if the “self destruct” sign is to be
brought down.
Post abortion grief counselling is unique and specialised type of
counselling. This type of counselling must deal with the complicated
nature of the grief and the counsellor or mental health practitioner
must be prepared to understand and support the individual through
the abortion pain. It is also important to understand that if the
counsellor is not particularly in favour of life, the aborted woman
will pick this up and will no longer feel validated and free to
speak to someone who does not believe that the death of her child is
of great concern. Long term this is not an ideal situation for
healing.
Post abortion grief is psychic and spiritual pain and dealing with
this kind of pain requires dealing with and working with an
individual’s own religious beliefs (whatever denomination these
happen to be). This is the ideal because having a religious belief
permits a belief in a future life and a place of serenity for the
infant (important for the mother to know that her baby is not
suffering), whereas where there is no religious belief the
individual will have to try and forgive the self and often this is
the most difficult thing to do. We are our own harshest critic and
accuser. Having said this, there is much hope for healing of this
type of pain. However, it is not “magic” it requires love, patience,
perseverance and belief both in a loving and merciful God and in the
value of every human life, including that of the aborted baby and
importantly in the still valuable life of the mother.
[1] Doka, K.J. Disenfranchised Grief.
Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. New York: Lexington Books. 1989.
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