Post
Abortion Grief
A
Redeeming and Hope filled Grief
Matercare International Conference Rome 2008
©
Victims of Abortion, 2008.
Thank you for this opportunity to speak here. I especially thank Dr
Jose Maria Simon
and Dr Rob Walley for their invitation for me to be here. The
Original request was for
me to speak on Post Abortion Syndrome, however, I felt that after
several other speakers speaking about the after-effects of abortion
and its symptoms, I would spare you more post abortion trauma and
perhaps offer a different look at post abortion grief. I never
like to give satan an even chance and this conference being a
conference on “Hope” I would not like him to have the last say on
the matter because I believe that handled well post abortion grief
has all the dimensions of “hope” inscribed within it. That the
decision to abortion is swathed in total hopelessness is true. This
I can tell you from my own personal experience, Yes I am an abortive
woman and the moment of the decision is totally “ hope less” There
is a sense of no tomorrow, but God in His infinite Mercy and Love
always comes to rescue and where He is permitted he brings the
graces and healing and change that ensures that love is never
destroyed…. I hope you won’t mind my change of subject for this
talk……..
When I speak about a redeeming type of grief, I am speaking about
the mourning done
by parents (especially mother) of aborted children. I speak about
this very legitimate
and important type of mourning and grief. I speak about the parents
who look deep into the future and see the absence and the pockets of
loneliness created by the loss of the children they have aborted. I
speak about the parents who realise that they have sacrificed their
children on the altars of convenience, fear, money, and career. I
speak about the modern understanding of “motherhood” which has been
so wounded, and the women who no longer understand “mothering,
motherhood” and the dignity inherent in this charism. I think also
about “fatherhood” also deeply wounded through abortion because the
man who took his child to be killed has failed to protect that child
the one whom they have engendered.
Today we know that when an abortion is suppressed from the
consciousness, malignant and sometimes puzzling pathologies arise.
We also understand that grief and mourning is that process of
disengagement from the lost loved one and the emerging from this
time in such a way as to be able to continue living without the one
lost. When this mourning, this process of disengagement is not
carried out well then indeed the puzzling pathologies should be
expected, because the mourning which would have been the natural
response to loss was suppressed.
We
of course can tend to forget the healing power of grieving and
mourning. And that in the grief and mourning, when done well a
growth, a change, a maturing of the spirit is possible whilst at the
same time the imprinting of the event into permanent memory is
facilitated. At times it can be felt that those who abort do not
deserve consideration and compassion, that they themselves permitted
the abortion, and perhaps it can be thought that all efforts at
easing her grief, and easing her pain is a wasted effort. However, I
know that this is far from reality. I know that in my work I help to
bring back to the one who is mourning and grieving, a respect for
their own human ness and a respect for the one they aborted. I help
to unglue their emotions which are still stuck in the day of the
abortion. This is good mourning work. It is important mourning work
because each 1 person, including the abortive mother is human and
frail and wounded but still designed in the image of God. Wounded
……..YES!!!! Unredeemable NO!
One of the things which the late Holy Father John Paul II will be
remembered for is his
insistence of the dignity of the human person whose rights are
universal and unchanging. According to him and also the Vatican II
documents , The Church in the Modern World, a human is always a
human and remains a human even in its darkness,
and with this vision of the human in mind, it is possible to
minister to the most wounded and broken in our society, that is,
those mothers who have aborted their child (almost willing at all
times) and have regretted that decision.
Perhaps it could be said that I help these parents to develop a
special relationship
between them and their aborted babies. And even to help them to
reclaim that child
and then relinquish the child, this time willingly and lovingly into
the arms and household of God. This time without the terror of the
first time. Without the confusion. Without the inner turmoil. This
time in sadness, YES but lovingly also. You know to sit with them in
the silence which is steeped in love, to weep with someone who is
hurting over a mistake which they cannot undo, is to be present in a
most intimate moment of a human’s life. To be present and to mourn
with a mother who has aborted her child and to relive with her the
dying of that child is to be with her, and be intimately and
consummately near.
Human beings have great capacity to love, to forgive, to laugh, but
it is also a gift of
extraordinary mercy and love that a human can weep for another, even
the smallest in utero human. As a society we need to unmask this
grief To bring it to the forefront, to make it visible and then to
mourn for the loss of these children even when their own mothers and
fathers cannot mourn for them. We need to weep even though there is
the wrong belief that it was not a child who died but the so called
“cells” “tissue” or whatever euphemism used. We need to mourn
because in our mourning we do speak a language of love. In the
mourning we say something very important. We say “YOU MATTERED TO
ME”.
We need to mourn, because the mourning and the regret, signifies we
are journeying
and reconciling with God. Our grief can become in itself a REDEEMING
GRIEF. We
need to mourn because very sadly this society refuses to mourn and
weep for the loss of millions of its children and slowly our
civilisation has suffered a dulling of conscience. This is a society
which no longer sees children as a mark of blessing as described in
the Psalms as a “quiver full” but as disposable, on demand, and this
demand as a “right” and by sanction of the law.
We need to mourn over the loss of the aborted babies because in the
mourning we speak a language which belongs to the substance of the
psychic life of the human person. Mourning is a sign and symbol of
value, of love, of emotion, of eternity.
Symbolic thinking and understanding and language are an inherent
part of the human
being and precedes even the spoken word. The symbol has a meaning
all of its own
which reveals another aspect of reality, indeed the deepest and
innermost aspect of
reality. Symbols always, probe the depths of the human spirit and
speak a language
that unveils the human yearning for eternity.
The life of the symbolic is important for the human person. It is a
different dimension
and vital for the spiritual wellbeing of the person. In its external
manifestation it speaks of the richness of our human inner life. And
wherever there is no symbolic present there is a deep disequilibrium
of the spirit. Abortion means no death rituals, no body, and no
formal leave taking. No goodbyes. Abortion means death, but no
recognised 2 ending. This is important to remember and to understand
because the abortion industry thrives because of this. The abortion
industry has thrived mainly because it set out to change the
language first, and with this accomplished then it became easier to
convince society that conception is nothing more than “a bunch of
cells” and nothing to mourn or grieve for. THIS IS THE SAME LIE AS
IN EDEN “YOU SHALL SURELY NOT DIE” So we mourn, we grieve for our
loss (Yes there was a death) and in this mourning our hearts turn to
God for His Mercy. This abortion grief has inscribed within it the
blueprint for hope and for healing, for redemption.
The change of language from “baby” “mother” “father” to “foetus”
“embryo”
“partner” has helped to dull the imagery within the memory system.
The
understanding surrounding such words as mother, father baby, evokes
deep imagery, a realm of the imagination which already has an
imprint. Mother, Father, baby, has
always meant a specific something. To all cultures the terms mother,
father, baby have the same meaning. There is imagery which
accompanies these words. The imagination is able to process the
words and create an image, and be at peace with the images, whereas
the new language is imageless “foetus” “Tissue” “cells” “specialised
cells” does not have a visual attached to it, so it is easier to
dispose of something which cannot be seen or even visualised. The
imagination is a function of the human memory and struggles to make
images of the term foetus, therefore it becomes easier to convince
society and women that very little is terminated in the termination
of a pregnancy and if there is little to be terminated then there is
little if anything to mourn and weep about. This is where
disequilibrium happens, becomes it cannot make sense of the absence
of symbol and imagery yet experienced something very important.
Imagination always finds its abode in the realm of images where it
is at peace and at home.
There is a need to mourn, to weep; we need to be able to express
grief because it is the most profound of our emotions. It touches on
the moral law written into the human heart (Jer 31:31:33 & Romans
11) and which can be known by our reason.
We
need to grieve and to mourn the loss of every in utero child
including aborted ones, because each new creation is God’s own idea
of His love, and has a place in creation and in history. Each and
every creation has a role to play, a task to complete and has an
influence to wield in a specific place, time, era.
To conceive this child is to become pregnant with His Living Word.
His “Amen.” and in
the creation of each new child God encounters and keeps encountering
humanity. Hence why abortion is so horrendous. It is a rejection of
this encounter with God and a rejection of His Love whispered in the
depths of the silent, creative, mysterious womb. All created beings
including the aborted ones have been thought about, loved and
created in the likeness of the originating Word…….JESUS.
Jesus is the pattern, the prototype of every human conception and it
is a knowledge
which is written into the womb of every woman. It is this knowledge
which leads to the mourning and in this mourning, the redeeming
elements.
The malignant syndromes arise because the womb weeps for the
terrorism inflicted
upon it. In the womb where “life” has its genesis, violent death
occurs. The Word
spoken and written into the womb is “LIFE” and God speaks this word.
The word
spoken by abortion is “death” Moloch the prince of darkness speaks
this word.
I
have called this talk A Redeeming Grief, because it is a great Mercy
of God to be able to mourn deeply for an aborted child. And we know
that there is mourning because in one way or another it is
expressed. It can be expressed by the woman or man in a self
violence, through drink, drugs, self abuse, depression, self
neglect, self loathing. It can be expressed by the mental health
compromising which occurs. It can be expressed by 3 the total denial
that the procedure has caused a problem and the development of
hardness of heart previously unknown.
The mask of mourning an aborted child has many shapes but always it
is ugly. And a
complicated type of mourning continues without the mercy of God. In
fact it continues like a dull ache in the heart which has no ending.
“I have written my laws on your heart” (Jer. 31:31-33) says the
Lord. It is the place of profound encounter. The Heart is the place
where God speaks and we cannot help but listen. It is the place
where the pain of the aborted woman resides and without release from
this pain her mental health is in danger. It is in this place of the
heart where God needs to be invited when a woman is mourning her
loss through abortion. It is the place where God visits and sees her
sorrow over her decision and her need to be forgiven. Her grief is
the clear expression of her regret.
Over the last fourteen years I have spoken many times about post
abortion trauma,
grief, and syndrome. I have spoken about abortion and its link to
alcohol and substance abuse, eating disorder, suicide and attempted
suicide, domestic violence both as recipient and inflictor, risk
taking behaviours, repeat abortions, repeat flawed
relationships, change of personality. Abortion and abreast cancer. I
have spoken to
anyone who would listen both in Australia and countries around the
world and I need to say that my understanding of abortion grief has
changed. Abortion grief is perhaps the most profound type of grief
in our day because of the intentional factor. And because it lends
itself to a deep need for forgiveness both from God and infant, and
then forgiveness of self and forgiveness of those surrounding the
woman.
Yes it may be as it is often claimed that the psychological sequelae
following abortion is the result of instilled religious/moral
orientations. Maybe. Perhaps such anguish as
evidenced in some women is not for those who have turned completely
away from their faith. However, we do know that Japan is a non
Judeo/Christian nation and culture, yet it acknowledges grief of the
post abortive woman by setting up places for abortive mothers to
visit and to remember. The Mizuko Kuyo (memorial service for infant)
was created by women to remember their lost in utero child. It is a
memorial place. A place where the mother can go and grieve for her
loss, EVEN aborted children. YES even non Christian and non
religious women deeply mourn their aborted child and it is right
that they do so because in their hearts is also written the words of
God (Jer 31:31-33)
Today we understand that pathological grief lowers a woman’s coping
and immune
systems which in turn affects not only her self but her significant
others, her family, her friends, the health system and society. It
is important to unmask this societal grief and then help her
legitimately mourn for her deep loss and with the grace of God,
recover. Never as before, but able to journey onwards.
During my work as an abortion grief counsellor I have seen a theory
about regret
emerging. And especially the regret which is related to the loss of
the baby through
abortion, and I believe that this regret understood well can become
the “forget –me-not” (Isaiah 49. 15-16) of their child. After
thousands of counselling hours, with many tears shed it is possible
to speak about the loss of the child and the profound grief through
a different vision and with a different understanding.
I remember asking a client what she regretted most about the
abortion and her reply
was very poignant “I regret that I never met my daughter and held
her and bought her clothes, and took her to school and loved her and
watched her become a “bride.” Then I reminded her that as long as
she remembers her, she pays her daughter the love, respect honour
due to her through her mourning and her memory of her. This child,
her 4 aborted daughter whom she named “Rose” would live in her heart
and mind and presence. This is good and necessary.
The past is never gone, but remains hidden within the memory. For
someone who
experiences a great loss, especially where there is guilt, then
regret may be the best and most merciful outcome possible. As I
counsel and talk to men and women who have experienced abortion,
they can see that regret is a memory tinged with both love and
sorrow. It is a memory they wish to retain for as long as life
exists. I thank God for that, in my own experience as well. To
remember my son Joseph and my daughter Miriam, even with regret and
sorrow is a rare privilege and not to be despised. To remember means
that the infant/s that was meant not to exist is remembered. To no
longer regret or remember means a certain forgetting must take place
and this indeed would be a great tragedy.
In conclusion the enormity of the grief and suffering which abortion
inflicts cannot ever be truly reflected because society has placed a
veil of unbelief before this horror. The veil of unreality (no it’s
not a baby but a bunch of cells) preserves and protects society from
the knowledge of what is being done and because of this veil of
protection, abortion is sanitised, sterilised and removed from its
true reality. However, post abortion syndrome, grief, and mourning,
regret are the truth that abortion cannot be passed off as simply,
or as a minor procedure. Abortion grief is real; pain filled and can
be redemptive. It is neither useless suffering nor unnecessary, but
it is indeed the most important suffering and mourning endured in
our age. This type of regret, of grief and mourning brings before
the eyes of the world the reality of what abortion really does and
can re focus attention to the very thing that was destroyed. HUMAN
LIFE AND ITS SANCTITY.
This part of the conference has been called “Abortion an absence of
Hope” Yet I believe that written within post abortion grief is the
seed of hope which acts as the fuel to carry on the journey. In
every journey there must be hope to reach a destination and the
“hope” which fuels this journey is called “Mercy” or even
“forgiveness” That God has loved us abortive women and forgives us
and even our babies have forgiven us and one day we will meet and
love together.
The Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI in Spe Salve says “It is not
science that redeems man. Man is redeemed by love” For the post
abortive women their grief is the evidence of that love. The Holy
Father further says “It is never too late to touch the heart of
another. Nor is it in vain” I agree. To touch and heal the heart of
a wounded post abortive mother is to heal her, those in her life and
to help heal society. NO it’s not in vain but a NEW HOPE.
Thank you for listening.
Anne Lastman
Australia.
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