Importance of Grief Rituals

We know that all nations, all peoples face death, there is no escape, and each society has developed and adapted their way of saying a last goodbye to their loved one.  Have developed rituals which mean something to them and protects them from present and future mental health pain.

Each ritual is developed and created with their culture in mind, and how they see life and death and this assists in open mourning.  Abortion, suicide, lost bodies cannot usually be accorded “goodbye rites” because they are unseen. They are still alive.  “We need to find the body to give parents closure” are words often used when a body is lost.  However, with suicide, loss of body, by what’s called “misadventure,” in utero death, post abortion death, late term abortion death, violent death, there cannot be closure especially when related to suicide or murder or lost body all kinds of perinatal death, even post birth death (abortion) because these are no bodies to be seen and not being able to view the body which has been known for a short time with all its movements and growth, or years leaves a sense of untruth.  Of disbelief.

Yes, a service religious or otherwise can be prepared but “for whom” There’s no body. 

With the birth of every child there are rituals, announcements, birth, gender, joy of parents and others, naming, first holding, taking home.  later sacraments or rites of passage, and so also in the dying each society has the final rituals, sadness, time of calling of the name for last time, last rites sacrament, mode of dressing, mementos of a life lived, where applicable.  This beginning of life and ending are needed not only to honour the visitor in our life but also the saying “hello, welcome” and “goodbye and thank you for coming to our home.”

Rituals have a language of their own.  They express so clearly what cannot be expressed with words.  Rituals guide life, follow life, speak of life, honour life, and continue to remember life even in and after death. Sadly, rituals are becoming extinct and yet death is becoming more and more prevalent. The rites of passage for male and female children are slowly going and, in some places, gone. Rites which announced each developmental stage of a child’s life and later adult life and finally the last rite which says its goodbye have slowly become what’s called fossils.

A flower in running water and words of love spoken out loud as flower takes memories away out of sight. A tree planted in beautiful surroundings, to grow heavenward. A beautiful orchid placed in a pool with a lit candle representing the light that shone among society and which now has been extinguished, and then of course there’s the religious rituals, prayers, Rosaries, open casket, baptismal robe. The Jewish ritual (Kevra Kadisha) men and women who prepare the body for burial and stay with the body after its cleansing and until burial to ensure companionship.  This followed by ritual at synagogue followed by burial. There are other signs of mourning. 11 months for loss of a parent in which time the children of parent express their love and thankfulness for all that the parents have done for them, There is also a visible public expression of visitors who visit grave leaving a pebble on tomb on it. It’s a beautiful vision when seeing tombstones with many pebbles on top saying that they have had visitors and are not alone.   At least for me it speaks volumes. This speaks of companionship and visit and not forgetting. An Indian custom of kissing the feet of one who has just passed away. Thank you for walking this earth it’s better for your having walked, An Indian nurse to my Mother-in-Law as she took last breath.

There’s the Japanese ritual for aborted infants, miscarried infants, named “Mizuko Kuyo” a Buddhists ceremony (Water child memorial service) that focuses on death of in utero infants (abortion, miscarriage) or even still born. It sees mothers take little toys and items to the shrine and keep company with their child.  A beautiful memorial.

A woman who aborts her child/ren clearly fits into this category of not “seeing” and cannot ever see but every cell in her body which has carried the body of her child, has seen and will always remember. She does not need to hear “you’re a murderer” She knows what she has done and as long as life remains so will the memory of the one not seen, and in our day of massive pain of suicides in large numbers, over 50,000,000 abortions a year, every year, infants lost to famine, violence, abuse, trafficking, murder, then perhaps we need to return to a time when we can hear the language of rituals speaking about life which help us to open our hearts to life.

This piece not been written in order to elicit sympathy, excuse abortion which always remains the gravest sin against God who gives life, but an understanding that often abortion and suicide, are the result of having lost all hope. These pained eyes have lost sight the things which God has prepared for them. That the one gone, the aborted infant, the miscarried infant, the suicide, had a task to fulfil for the betterment of humanity and the abortive woman in time will come to see and long for her lost child.   she will always be the child’s mother, never forgetting, as will the mother of a suicide will never forget but will forever remember the life together, last words spoken to each other. The last memento. And an abortive mother will in time remember her action, her regret and her hope that their next encounter will be one of joy and not decision making.

Not being able to see and prepare a farewell feast for these who leave us, leaves a heart that carries a hurt for life. A heart which finds it hard to say “you are loved, now go forward loved one. don’t look back. It’s Ok we will be fine” and to the unseen aborted infant, lost one “I am so sorry.  Please forgive me. I will never forget you. I know what you look like. You are beautiful.”

Grief has as its signature…Remember